MOTHER PATH / OTHER PATH:
A Call to Women Who Will Never Be Mothers
by Suzan J. Cotellesse, LPC, LMFT

Women in our society are strongly socialized to fulfill the expectation that being a woman includes being a mother--following the mother path. Since the majority of women do become mothers, it is easy to assume that women without children are simply in preparation for motherhood. But what about the women who have chosen not to have children, are not able, or are undecided? When motherhood does not happen, by chance or choice, women find themselves in unfamiliar territory--on the other path.

Living the other path is no easy task. Magazines, books, documentaries, sitcoms, movies, songs abound that reinforce society's bias toward motherhood, and support moms along the way. An uneasy silence exists between mothers and childless women that suggests not having a baby threatens mothers and the belief that motherhood is an essential female experience. So women attempting to make a conscious decision about whether to become mothers or to remain childfree are left to their own devices. Not only is there no one to talk to, no successful role model pioneers, no optional life style emulated, no map, they are bombarded with stereotypes of childless women as sad, selfish, career driven, kid-haters, imitation men, barren. Not until the 1990s, as baby boomers' biological clocks were running out, did courageous women--in the soup themselves--speak and write about the dilemma childless women. Finally there were travel guides for the other path that validated conscious decision-maki
ng and supported women along their childless journey if that was their choice.

Ten years later, we still stumble over which words best describe women without children: childless, childfree, non-mother, nullipara. As Bernice Fisher, Professor of Education at New York University, observed, "Women without children have no common activity, no common language. They share a common stigma, but the meaning of that stigma often varies for the women themselves." Childless women often feel invisible, alone and devalued. Afraid to speak, or perhaps not knowing what to say or how to say it, they remain silent about their experience. Not surprising that on Mother's Day, childless women feel even more marginalized and forgotten.

WHO IS ON THE OTHER PATH?
Women without children experience distinct life circumstances and face unique challenges. Mardy Ireland, clinical psychologist/psychoanalyst and author of Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood From Female Identity, categorized them as traditional, transitional and transformational women. Traditional women want children but their bodies have said "no," a loss that earns them societies' understanding and sympathy. Transitional women are ambivalent and indecisive about having children. While thinking they want and probably will have children, they postpone or avoid pregnancy for any number of reasons--until they have made the right career moves, accumulated the right amount of money, or are in the right relationship. At some point they face the possibility that they have waited too long. Transformational women have consciously chosen not to have children because they have focused on more traditionally masculine pursuits of career, worldly accomplishments and production.

Whatever their circumstances--chance or choice--these childless or childfree women face unique challenges. Traditional women must liberate the nurturing energy reserved for motherhood and redirect it into new paths. Transitional women must accept their lives as expressions of different desires, and find work or creative labor as the vehicle for self-expression. Transformational women must connect with their feminine and express their womanliness in ways that preclude motherhood.

Ireland's categories and explanations of childless women made perfect sense to me, and both named and validated my experience. I am a transitional woman. Curious about other non-mothers, I searched for role models, trailblazers. As my list grew, I relaxed in the company of remarkable women who had made their mark in ways that precluded motherhood. Allow me to introduce you to a few: Susan B. Anthony, Dolly Parton, Rosa Parks, Anais Nin, Golda Meir, Eudora Welty, Oprah Winfrey, Emily Dickinson, Katharine Hepburn, Elizabeth Dole, Simone De Beauvoir, Condoleezza Rice, Gloria Steinem, Annie Oakley, Margaret Thatcher, Marlo Thomas, Georgia O'Keiffe and more. To those women, and to the tens of thousands anonymous pioneers who contribute to the world as childfree women, I offer my gratitude and admiration.

HISTORY SPEAKS
Although America has a long tradition of marginalizing childless women, we must consider the underlying historical events that influence this societal bias. More than the highly acclaimed and debated mothering instinct, historical events most strongly encourage and discourage motherhood in our country. The rise and fall of American pro-natal and anti-natal trends resemble what I call the motherhood roller coaster.

In colonial times, childless women were likely to have been accused of witchcraft--a strong incentive to have children. In 1900, with immigrants having large numbers of children, President Theodore Roosevelt chastised white women for not doing "their part to create future generations of Americans." During the early 1900s, the rate of childless women increased to 27% with the first wave of feminism, shortage of men from the Civil War, and westward migration. Continuing into The Great Depression of 1928-30, the rate of childless women reached 22% when workers were told they had no right to have kids.

The breeding frenzy from 1940 to 1957 was fueled by reaction to the Depression, soldiers returning home after World War II, and Cold War anxiety increasing the stigma of childlessness. The fertility rate soared to 50% as one-third of women had their first babies before age 20. Between 1946 and 1964, 72 million baby boomers were born who would later strive to raise their kids opposite of how they were raised. In 1957 while sitcom families depicted father knew best and mother knew her place, the fertility rate peaked to 3.7 kids per mom.

But daughters at home in the 1960s didn't like what they saw mom do, so they postponed marriage and children. They resented being encouraged to hide their strengths, tend to the egos of boys who didn't like smart girls, and follow the "2 out of 3 rule: love, work, children." Understandably, the late 1960s and early 1970s gave rise to the Sexual Revolution, birth control, the Women's Movement and legalized abortion. Marriage and fertility rates went down as women tried to find a way between the competitive male culture and domestic female culture. In the late 1970s more than one-fourth of married women in their late 20s were childless and fertility rates only at "replacement level."

The 1978 backlash to feminism and the 1980s Regan years were strongly pro-family. Abortion was challenged, Robert Bly promoted the notion of wounded masculinity, and women longed for a simpler more traditional life free from full-time shifts at work and at home. Babies were back and pampers were in vogue. Sitcom fathers were returned and men saw themselves sharing housekeeping and childcare 50/50. In 1988 some 4 million babies were born, a demographic spike almost as big as the boom between 1946 and 1964. Pro-family trends continued into the 1990s as baby boomers' biological clocks were running out, infertility problems touched one in seven couples, and fertility clinics abound. But in 1994 nearly 19% of American women reached 40 without having children. 2002 Census Bureau data revealed that 26.7 million women ages 15-44 are childless. Today one in six women do not have children, and the numbers are rising.

CREATIVE BIRTHING
My interest in childless or childfree women comes from personal experience as a transitional woman. For two decades I lived "as though" I would have children some day, and convinced that my ambivalence meant I was in the decision-making process. Wrong. I was simply massaging the questions and avoiding the decision I had already made. And, running out of time forced my hand. I could either descend into the mired muck of my fears and ambiguity trusting I would emerge clean and clear, or I could continue my well practiced avoidance knowing I would later regret not pioneering my psyche.

So, in the 1990s I used my professional skills as a therapist to resolve my personal dilemma. Seeking out other childless baby boomers to hear their stories and share my own, I was shocked to realize we'd never broached the motherhood topic with one another. Sadly, we had preferred the safety of listening to friends tell children stories, and then grandchildren stories as though no other topic deserved time or attention. Don't get me wrong, we are not kid-haters. But seldom were we asked what we were doing, what interests we were pursuing, what projects we were nurturing. Quickly I realized our dilemma was more universal than I'd imagined. Research revealed that thousands of women quietly, submissively joined the ranks of motherhood or childlessness without giving the most important decision women can ever make the time and attention it deserves. How might my experience have been different if I'd had a place to go, women to speak with, and books to read before it was too late
to make a conscious choice?

So, in 1994 I birthed two workshops: A Call to Women Who Will Never Be Mothers and Exploring Your Options: Becoming a Mother or Remaining Childfree. Clear in my intention to create safe space and ample time for women to explore these issues, I facilitated successful workshops for the next several years in Houston, Austin and Dallas. In each city I was privileged to witness and support women open up to the grief of lost dreams, sadness at missed opportunities, anger at their bodies or life circumstances that denied motherhood, creative endeavors in their womb space to be birthed and nurtured. This June I am birthing my updated next generation workshop whose title I have used in this article, Mother Path / Other Path.

Suzan Cotellesse, LPC, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice at Spectrum Center. She specializes in women's issues, facilitates a women's process group, consults with the Houston Area Women's Center, and is an Independent Consultant for Birkman International. For information about Mother Path / Other Path Workshops or other inquiries, contact her at 713.621.0234 or suzanjc@comcast.net, or www.suzancotellesse.com.

Natural   A w a k e n i n g s™

May 2005